Today I woke up with a heavy heart. October 30th has been the hardest day of my life for the last 13 years. My chest is heavy. My stomach hurts. Today is the day the world lost the most beautiful soul, Corinne Marie Craig. One of my childhood best friends.
13 years is a long time but grief I never should underestimate your power.
How do you know to make my chest tight?
How do you bring tears to my eyes?
How do you coax me to my laptop because you know words are the only way for me to make sense of what I feel?
If you’re new to your relationship with my friend grief: let me help you out. Grief is a roller coaster. You never know what to expect. Grief can be the life of the party or the person who can’t get out of bed. Everyone experiences this friend differently, and let me tell you many would not consider you a friend, grief. But I do.
I consider you a friend because you are an emotion and experience that has been with me for nearly half of my life. I’ve gotten to know you well. I don’t want to forget you because I will never forget her.
My Corey. That silly laugh & kind heart. That sassy attitude & philosophical mind. How many times could we watch Now & Then and a Walk to Remember? A friend so loyal and willing to listen that she taught me to do the same. A rockstar cheerleader. A sensitive soul. A force to be reckoned with.
It’s been 13 years since we’ve had the pleasure of having Corey earth side but I know without a shadow of a doubt she has been with me every step of my journey. The sassiest guardian angel out there.
Over the years I have shared about a lot regarding Corey’s life, death & everything in between (you can click the links if you want to read more): Dealing with the anniversary abroad , my journey with grief , Corey’s story , The impact she has had , remembering 10 years without her , My own mental health struggles and What it’s like being left behind by suicide.
Grief taught me to be patient with people having a bad day, whether they can express that or not because we all have silent battles to fight.
Every single one of us.
Grief taught me to reach out to loved ones (even the ones who seem really happy) reach out when someone is in your dream, or a memory comes rushing back to you.
Reach out if you haven’t talked in years and you just want to say that they are on your mind.
Grief taught me to express myself and to find my voice.
Grief is what lead me to writing and I know that I am grateful for that.
Grief has taught me to continue to use my voice & know that the impact spreads farther than you might imagine.
Last year I wrote about my journey to understanding when grief actually ends?
The answer is it doesn’t.
A lot of people feel pressure from society, even loved ones or friends to “move on” but I’m here to tell you, you don’t have to.
Grief is an incredible teacher if you let it be.
Sadness and joy can coexist and for me that pain and sorrow of losing my best friend at 16 will never go away but it has changed the trajectory of my life because I let it.
I let grief in. Even when it was paralyzing. Even when I need to scream and cry and punch pillows and throw water bottles. It didn’t happen overnight. And because of self-medicating I didn’t fully “grieve” right away.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not committed to this process & relationship with grief.
Because what’s your alternative? Denial? Numbing? Ruining you future because you’re running from feelings begging to be felt?
I don’t claim to know it all. I never do. Grief has taught me that even when you “do” all of the right things, go to therapy, remember your loved one or friend in positive ways, cry, rest, pick up new hobbies, grief can still turn up and throw everything for a loop. It’s relentless.
At times grief has made me angry, guilty, depressed, scared, frustrated, devastated, but it’s also made me kind, resilient, thoughtful, driven and vulnerable.
My best advice when it comes to grief?
Laugh when you want to laugh about silly memories or inside jokes, cry when you feel like things are unfair, talk it out when you just want someone to remember your loved one you lost, get angry, sad, whatever emotion comes up- let it come and realize that you can survive & thrive alongside those feelings.
Time won’t heal your wounds. Your wound is the absence of a person who touched your life deeply. That doesn’t go away. But time does give you perspective. It allows you to find purpose and remember that they WANT you to be happy.
They want you to live and I believe we owe it to them to do so.
So, believe in yourself.
Believe in the impact your experience of loss and your relationship with grief can have on others.
Believe in the legacy you have left to built in keeping your loved one’s memory alive.
If you feel the call to share your loved ones story or your story DO IT.
Grief is different for everyone but I can tell you I wouldn’t have gotten through it without my words for self expression, without the support of our Bishop Ludden Community and without the courage to keep telling this story of life, death, loss, grief, mental illness and all the beautiful bits that happen in between.
I tell Corey’s story as frequently as possible because it matters and so many people in life have been there, are there or are trying to help someone who is. Mental health struggles and suicide add a whole entire layer to the grieving process and it’s a huge part of the reason I advocate for proactive mental health consistently.
I’ve tried my best as time goes on to not resent you grief, to not get angry at stolen moments and get angry at growing older & growing further away from the chapter of life that Corey lived a long side me. I still have those moments of anger.
Any time someone I love loses someone they love, grief floods through my bones and reminds me of it’s presence. My heart aches for you if you have to join this twisted relationship with grief. Not if, when. It’s inevitable.
Grief is not something you can escape in your lifetime, but if you feel it fully, if you let it, it will change who you are and hopefully for the better.
So grief, it’s been a long journey, one that I know that will never end but I am confident that neither will my relationship with Corey. “Death ends a life not a relationship” is a quote that got me through some of my darkest days.
Grief is heavy, these words are heavy, but I am strong. My love for Corey is strong. If you are at any stage of you grieving process, I see you. I feel you. I am here for you. We don’t have to have all the answers to offer our experiences, we just have to have courage and I’m confident Corey left me with some of hers.
Corey, as always, I carry your heart. Thank you for the most recent messages. I am still trying my best to understand what they mean & take action.
So grief, today you feel heavy. You don’t feel like a friend.
I miss my dear friend.
I shouldn’t let you take me by surprise after all this time but in the same respect I am humbled. Humbled by the fact that pain can be deeply intertwined in our bodies calendar.
The pain reminds me just how much human connection can impact our hearts & souls despite loss, time, distance, and years gone by. This inspires me to be a better human while I’m here on earth and help others find that ever changing dance between sadness and joy.
I’m not sure how much sense this makes but based on my truth of understanding grief, just getting something out helps. .
Remember, wherever you are reading this, whatever emotions it brings up,
& know you are never alone.