I was on a local coastal walk with my boyfriend recently and as the wind whipped and the sunshine warmed our skin I said to him, “You know how they say, The Universe keeps teaching you the same lesson until you learn it?”
He shook his head in agreement, probably just to humor my baby hippie heart.
“Well I think it’s clear we need this lesson of releasing control. Waiting just keeps popping back up in our lives. The four months waiting for the U.K. visa to process, the Australian visa drama, the U.K. move itself, and the months and months of waiting for the news on the kidney donation and operation… well, someone isn’t learning their lesson!!!”
He looked back at me with a very loving but cheeky grin and stare.
As the words came out of my mouth, I didn’t realize that I was talking about MYSELF. It wasn’t aimed as an insult or jab at him either. More thinking out loud. But in that moment, I fully realized I still needed to learn the lesson. My boyfriend is super chill, resilient, go with the flow, and rarely gets upset over anything. It’s honestly one of the things I admire most about him.
I have learned more patience and resilence in the last 5 years of living abroad, traveling for extended periods, starting my own online business on the side and now being fully self-employed and being in a relationship with the ultra relaxed human but clearly the Universe still wanted me to learn this lesson, AGAIN!
All the meditations and CBD in the world have not stopped my initial, high strung, anxiety ridden reactions to situations. I am not afraid to admit that. I am optimist through and through but I like to feel control in all situations. The moment I feel the control is taken away, I panic a little and squirm violently until I feel like I have some “control” back. Imaginary control or sometimes 7 mile to-do lists will do the trick.
I realize this is not unique for just me. We all want some level of control. I also realize how far I have come with releasing control and genuinely being okay with the unknown but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have more to learn. We all do. That’s why I hope to share this process and what I learn from it to help anyone in this situation too or maybe in a different situation that you can draw parallels to ours.
My boyfriend Harry decided a long time ago that he would be donating his kidney to save his brother from kidney failure. Back when we lived in New Zealand (almost three years ago) the possibility of this process got put into place. He has always been very rational and matter of fact about it. He would do anything for his brother, with out question. I haven’t shared anything about the process on my blog yet because we have experienced a lot of waiting and unknown. Unlike the ins and outs of my life that I share freely, this wasn’t my story to tell. But it is inspiring the hell out of me so I hope to bring that to you too.
With their blessing and the encouragement of the family, I have been using my social media platforms to slowly share some of the process and definitely to keep family and friends updated on the health of the boys and big news. We had a surgery date for the boys for July 22nd but it was delayed and then delayed again.
The first delay left me very uncomfortable. We had waited literally almost a year to get a concrete surgery date and then they took it away. I’ve been trying to plan everything to ensure that I can be the best caregiver to my boyfriend after surgery (he will be off work for 3 months) while still maintaining my expanding coaching business from my home office and taking on the chef responsibilities that my boyfriend lovingly does for us. This process is not about me but it impacts me and I am glad as always, I have this sacred space and this sacred ritual, writing, that is all my own to let out my thoughts and feelings and process everything that is going on.
After watching my boyfriend and his brother handle the delay with resilience and optimism, the least I could do was match that attitude. After the second delay, I made peace with the delay and started to be grateful for the new opportunities this offered, like extra time off for my boyfriend to relax a bit before surgery, do fun things like a seaside adventure during the heatwave, attending our friends wedding we thought we had to miss and even a family day out at the beach too.
Today is Tuesday, surgery is scheduled for Thursday. We have all indications that this will go through. Today I feel so excited and happy. It is crazy for me because I am having one of the best months of business I have ever had. I had a 10 day holiday in America this month for family & friend visits, surprise adventures in the Hamptons and my annual coaching conference with 20,000 fellow wellness warriors. I got to see my teammates and be recognized on stage in front of all my peers for my progress and achievements in business this year. I’ve been riding the good vibes since then.
My company asked me to speak on our national conference call and I almost said no because it was too close to the surgery date. Surgery and my partner’s care is my main priority in the coming months but just like any other time in life, you can’t pour from an empty cup. I know that staying focused on our new 100 day workout & mindset program will give me the clarity, sanity and strength needed to hurry up and wait for surgery, recovery and healing and all the bumps in the road that will inevitably come.
If you are in a period of transition, a period of severe waiting, waiting for surgery, a visa to go through, an important move or new job, waiting to get pregnant, don’t rush the waiting. Don’t discredit the power of the unknown.
After my small but profound revelation on our hike the other day, that I in fact was the person who needed to learn this lesson of surrender from the Universe, my attitude has changed.
Not anything that is measurable or probably even noticeable to anyone else, but the shift in myself is palpable.
Waiting is a part of life.
If we cease to live in periods of unknown, we will spend our whole life playing a victim to waiting.
But seriously, how do we combat this worry & fear when major parts of our life are unknown?
A deep sense of gratitude for the present moment, seizing the day, and letting things go we can’t control. Remembering that just because one thing is unknown doesn’t mean it has to steal joy from all the other things still happening right in this very moment.
I’m not sure how I will process this next chapter of our life but I am open to what the Universe has to teach me and I believe now more than ever, of the divine and perfect timing of every little thing.
So I’ll be here, hurry up and waiting. I’m here for you if you’re waiting for something too!