Tag: the power of now

Why is lockdown impacting me so differently?

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I can bet a lot of money that you have asked yourself this question in the last two months… Everyone I talked to is either feeling guilty for feeling good or guilty for feeling so bad. How ironic is that? 

Why is lockdown impacting me so differently_ 

Lockdown for me has not been all rainbows and butterflies but as I stated in my previous blog about how to deal with the unknown of corona virus,  this sort of life changing upheaval is not new for me. It has proven to me time and time again that dramatic life changes, whether we choose the changes or not, will always open our eyes to things we weren’t paying attention to before. 

In my guided meditation today from the Calm app, she discussed creativity. One of the quotes she shared was “Stillness is where creativity and solutions to problems are found”- Eckhart Tolle 

Lockdown for me has been that stillness but not in a physical sense. I have committed to one of the most challenging programs the company I partner with has to offer. My fiancé has taken up a new hobby of cycling and encouraged me to get involved which has been a blast. In the U.K. (where I currently live) under our lockdown laws, we are permitted one hour of outdoor exercise a day and because we live in a ground floor flat with no real outdoor space, and the weather has been uncharacteristically beautiful and sunny in England,  we have taken advantage of those daily walks or cycles every single day. Movement has been my medicine and my sanity. 

But that stillness has been present in my mind. I have felt more creative than ever with my online coaching business, my blog and my personal writing. During January and February of 2020, I had lost a bit of my sparkle (to put it nicely.) I know now that it was seasonal affective disorder permeating every area of my life but  I spent so much time in my head and going through the motions, I just didn’t feel like me and I couldn’t shake it. It’s like lockdown woke me up again. It brought me so deeply and forcefully back into the present moment, that at this moment I feel nothing but gratitude for this experience. 

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My Space

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As I sit and stare at the Opera House on a sunny Thursday afternoon in Sydney, my mind is taken to so many different places and spaces. I want to live in this moment again and again. I’m not sure how …

And then my laptop died. To me, a sign from the Universe to drink in that moment and write about it later. Remembering it now, it still feels like just as sweet of a space.  

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I feel as if I am neglecting my words like the VCR that slowly got replaced by the DVD player or the walkman that got tossed aside for the iPod. But every time I turn to them again it feels like an old, familiar, and comforting friend. My words are the ratty t-shirt you wear to sleep that has a hole and some permanent stains but still feels just right. Even when things steal my attention (Facebook Live) or make it difficult for me to write (broken laptop) I still know in my heart this is my purest form of expression, therapy, joy and creation. My words are my space. 

So here I am, on a Sunday night, with my ever looming to-do list and my stack of ungraded papers. My apartment is clean, my workout is complete and my inbox is empty- all of which give me great satisfaction. But my words are still looming waiting to form and reflect. My words still give me the deepest satisfaction I can ask for and that’s how I know they are my truth and my space.

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Almost Snoozed

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Today I woke up late. I caved into the tricky snooze demon and missed my train to get to Friday morning yoga. I still woke up before it started but not in time to take the train & bus like I normally do. I was still nestled in my blankets when I texted my boyfriend and he told me to  leave right NOW & get a cab and that he would pay for it because he knows how much these Friday mornings with One Wave mean to me! He’s an absolute gem, I know. I feel so lucky to have him in my life because everyone deserves loved ones who support things that mean a lot to them. Even though I was ready to throw in the towel this morning he knew how much happier I would be and gave me a much needed voice of reason & encouragement. So into the taxi I went… 

The sunrise was unbelievable and I saw the familiar faces I’ve grown to expect on Friday mornings. Especially my friend Steph who shared her amazing story of her lifelong battle with depression, aneixty and body dysmorphia last week. I was very inspired by her strength. We started the morning with the usual group meeting/introduction and reminder about what One Wave is and what the community is for; raising awareness for mental health. Then Sam asked if anyone would like to share. Now if you know me personally you know I am always a talker and I’m never nervous to give my two cents in just about any situation but since I’ve started coming to One Wave Fluro Friday I have been an absorber. I have listened Friday after Friday and gleaned bits of hope, strength and courage from these good hearted, unguarded individuals. I knew one day I would share but I just wanted to listen for a while . So today, after the thirty dollar cab ride and the perfect sunrise, it seemed a better day than any.

I shared about how I accidentally got involved with One Wave because I saw a Facebook event for the Sunrise Bender yoga but coincidentally I have been a mental health advocate since I lost my best friend to suicide at 16 years old. I felt Corey’s presence with me as I spoke. I feel her presence every Friday morning on the beach when anyone speaks about suicide, depression, losing friends, or suffering of any sort. I talked about Corey’s life and her seemingly perfect exterior and how losing her changed my life and the lives of SO MANY forever. I talked about my mothers struggle with depression and bipolar disorder and how that affected me as a child. I talked about my wonderful cousin who also lost his battle to depression and suicide.  But mostly I focused on the fact that mental health affects EVERYONE not just the individuals who suffer from mental disorders but their loved ones, family, friends, the communities they are a part of. And to some degree, we ALL have struggles, ups and downs and unexplainable stress, aneixty and hardships on the road of life. You can not judge a person by the way they appear to be on the outside. You can not assume a person has a perfect life because that’s what it looks like on social media. We all have times of sadness and we all need compassion and understanding. We can change our world and our communities by the way we support each other and give individuals space to feel understood, looked after and cared about. You don’t need to know what to say, you just need to know how to listen without judgement. That is the best gift you can give anyone struggling with hardship, mental health related or not.

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